All members of my family think of themselves as frugal. Yet some are actually cat fur cheap. Is there a distinction? Is it a matter of degree? Of perception? I believe intent determines the difference.

My family considers frugal to be an admirable character trait. It means thrifty, economical, unwasteful, careful, and stewardly. Frugal demands: Use it up / Wear it out / Make it do / Or do without! It's saving for the important things by not frittering the money on silly things. Frugal in my family is the attitudinal product of lean times through pioneering generations and near-starvation during The Dirty Thirties. Each generation tsks about extravagances or wastefulness of the next, and so the attitude is passed down.

I treasure a pair of my grandmother's cotton ankle socks that cost next to nothing even in her day. Now they provide a million-dollar reminder of her goodness. To make them last, Grandma relentlessly darned and re-darned these socks until nothing remains of the originals. By such means she managed to stash enough egg money to provide a thirty-dollar inheritance for each of her grandchildren.

Grandma was frugal. She put herself through that endless darning for others. Her socks are a tribute to the virtue of frugality and they make fine educational aids for family value training. Bless her heart.

However we have cheap in our family too. Some members get carried away with the frugal virtue and turn it into the cheap vice. According to the dictionary, cheap is beggarly, mean, base and measly. In practice it is worse.

Take Aunt Gladys (please). I once invited her to take advantage of the second bedroom of a Hawaiian condo that I had rented for one week. She did. All that week she pondered aloud about ways to repay the free accommodation. Finally, when it was too late to even take me out for dinner, she announced: "I know what I can do for you! Next Christmas you do not have to buy me an expensive present!"

Although Aunt Gladys has plenty of money, she pretends poverty in order to benefit from the kindnesses of others. "It makes people feel good about themselves when they can do things for me," she rationalizes. Aunt Gladys takes advantage of others. She is mean cheap.

To my family's way of thinking, cheap and frugal to be opposites. Cheap involves selfish exploitation; frugal involves self-sacrifice for the benefit of others. Perhaps we were given Grandma and Aunt Gladys to model these distinction extremes.

While I am neither as frugal as my Grandma nor as cheap as Aunt Gladys, I carry the tightwad blood of both in my veins. I am rather an opportunist - I don't look for ways to take advantage...however if advantage comes my way...well. For instance, the first few times I was offered a senior discount by the doe-eyed dope behind the counter of the local fast-food joint, I wanted to slap her silly for thinking I was that old. I got over it. Now I smile benignly and purr, "Thank you, my dear!"

2006-05  Barb Shave