Seniors Choice NewsMagazine

Chuckle

A young preacher was asked by the local funeral director to hold a grave-side burial service at a small local cemetery for someone with no family or friends. The preacher started early but quickly got himself lost, making several wrong turns.

Eventually, a half-hour late, he saw a backhoe and its crew, but the hearse was nowhere in sight, and the workmen were sitting to one side, eating lunch.

The diligent young pastor went to he open grave and found the vault lid already in place. Taking out his book, he read the service. Feeling guilty because of his tardiness, he preached an impassioned and lengthy service, sending the deceased to the great beyond in style

As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say: "I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years and I ain't never seen anything like that."

This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US Naval ship
and the Canadians, off the coast of Newfoundland, Oct. 95. The radio
conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid a
collision.

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North, to
avoid a collision.

Canadians: Negative: You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the
South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say divert YOUR course.

Canadians: Negative. I say again, you will have to divert your course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP
IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS,
THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR
COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR
COUNTERMEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: We are a lighthouse. It's your call.

Forrest Gump in Heaven

The day finally arrives when Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates and met by St.Peter himself. However, the gates are closed and so Forrest approaches the Gatekeeper.

St.Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly nice to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that we are getting crowded here and so we're now giving everyone an entrance exam. The test is a short one, but you have to pass it to get into Heaven."

Forrest responds, "It shor is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. Shor hope the test ain't too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was."
St. Peter goes on, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions. First: what two days of the week begin with the letter T? Second: how many seconds are there in a year? Third: what is God's first name?"

Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."

Forrest says, "Well, the first one - which two days in the week begin with the letter 'T'? Shucks, that one's easy. That'd be Today and Tomorrow."

The Saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forrest, that's not what I was thinking, but you do have a point. I'll give you credit for that answer. How about the second one?" asks St. Peter.

"How many seconds in a year?"

"Now that one's harder," says Forrest, "but I thunk and thunk about that and I guess the only answer can be twelve."

Confounded, St. Peter says, "Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"

Forrest says, "Shucks, there's gotta be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd?"

"Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you are going with this and I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind. I'll give you credit for that one, too. Let's go on to the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first name?"

"Sure," Forrest replied, "it's Andy."

"Andy?!" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St. Peter. "OK, I can understand how you came up with the answers to the first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name of Andy?"

"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learnt it from the song?.'Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am his own?'

St. Peter smiles gently and opens the Pearly Gates and says, "Run, Forrest, run."

The old Rooster VS the young Rooster
(submitted by A.Richman, Vancouver - 2004 March 04)

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his
chicken coop.

The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,
"OK old fart, time for you to retire."

The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these
chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the
two old hens over in the corner?"

The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking
over.
The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race
you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the
entire chicken coop."

The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance old man. So,
just to be fair I will give you a head start."

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young
rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the
farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is already about 5
inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch
when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM -
He blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and
says, "Dammit... third gay rooster I bought this month."

Moral of this story.... Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - age and treachery
will always overcome youth and skill!

COLD ENOUGHT TO FREEZE THE BALLS OFF A BRASS MONKEY
(submitted by A.Richman, Vancouver - 2004 Feb 07)

In the olden days, it was necessary to keep a good supply of cannon balls near the cannon on war ships. But how to prevent them from rolling about the deck was a problem.

The best storage method devised was to stack them as a square based pyramid, with one ball on top, resting on four, resting on nine, which rested on sixteen. Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon.

There was only one problem however, how to prevent the bottom layer from sliding/rolling out from under the others.

The solution was a metal plate with 16 round indentations, called a Monkey.

But, if this plate was made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it. The solution to the rusting problem was to make the monkeys out of brass. Few landlubbers realize though, that brass shrinks much more and much faster than iron when it gets cold. Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the brass indentations would shrink so much that the cannon balls would roll right off of the monkey. Thus, it was quite literally, cold enough to freeze the balls off of a brass monkey.

And all this time when you heard the term, you envisioned a small brass coloured monkey holding on to his private parts trying to prevent the loss of his monkey hood. Now you know.

(Editors Note: I did some research on the WWW and found that some experts consider the common meaning of this term to be an urban legend and not true. Just GOOGLE 'brass monkey definition" and you will see a wealth of information.)

That WoodPecker Might Have to GO !
2004Jan28 - S. Girardi in Delta BC

Everything I need to know about life, I learned from Noah's Ark...

One: Don't miss the boat.

Two: Remember that we are all in the same boat.

Three: Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark.

Four: Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big.

Five: Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done.

Six: Build your future on high ground.

Seven: For safety's sake, travel in pairs.

Eight: Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs.

Nine: When you're stressed, float a while.

Ten: Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals.

Eleven: No matter the storm, when you are with God, there's always a rainbow waiting.

NOW, wasn't that nice?

Oct. 5th. Digger Dan - Kelowna, B.C.

A fiftyish woman was at home happily jumping on her bed and
squealing with delight. Her husband watched her a while then
asked, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's
the matter with you?'

The woman continued to bounce on the bed and said, "I don't
care how ridiculous I look. I just came from having a
mammography and the doctor says I have the breasts of an 18-year
old."

The husband said, "What did he say about your 55 year-old ass?"

"Your name never came up," she replied.

Oct. 3 - Bernice - Airdrie, Alta.
NURSING HOME One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning. Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home.
"So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask.
"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."

Oct. 1 - Dai Scott, Armstrong, B.C.
Subject: Marriage

While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Wally and his wife Carolyn listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."

He addressed the men, "Can you describe your wife's favourite flower?"

Wally leaned over, touched Carolyn's arm gently and whispered, "Robin Hood, All-Purpose, isn't it?"

And thus began Wally's life of celibacy.

Sept. 30th. Dianne Kilbrae, Kelowna

FOURTEEN THINGS THAT IT TOOK OVER 50 YEARS TO LEARN - by Dave Barry

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a
laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human
race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that
word would be "meetings."
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost
never want you to share yours with them.
5. You should not confuse your career with your life.
6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
7. Never lick a steak knife.
8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and
compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely
suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual
baby emerging from her at that moment.
11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other
people to
make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of
age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep
down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.
13. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a
nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
14. Your friends love you anyway.

TODAY'S INSPIRATIONAL QUOTE:

"The mediocre teacher tells. The good teacher explains. The superior
teacher demonstrates. The great teacher inspires."
~ William Arthur Ward

_________________________________________________________________

Sept. 29th. J.T. Ontario
A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts

wherever she touches it.

"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."

She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes

her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so it goes on,

everywhere she touches makes her scream.

The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette, are you?"

She says, "No, I'm really a blonde."

"I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."

___________________________________________________
IncrediMail - Email has finally evolved - Click Here
Sept. 28th. Hawkster, Kelowna, B.C.

Two women are playing golf on a sunny afternoon when one of them slices
her shot into a foursome of men. To her horror, one of the men
collapses in agony with both hands in his crotch. She runs to him
apologizing profusely, explaining that she is a physical therapist and
can help ease his pain.

"No thanks... just give me a few minutes... I'll be fine..." he replies
quietly with his hands still between his legs.

Taking it upon herself to help the poor man, she gently undoes the front
of his pant and starts massaging his genitals.

"Doesn't that feel better?" she asks.

"Well... yes... That feels pretty good," he admits. "But my thumb still
hurts like hell!"

Sept. 26/27 JT... "out there somewhere"

Sisterhood:

1. If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with. But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize that you had set it free....... You either married it or gave birth to it.

2. Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

3.They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "Listen fatty.... do it and die."

4. My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.

5. The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

6. The nice part about living in a small town: When you don't know what you're doing, someone else always does.

7. Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

8. Amazing! ! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes!

9 Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.

10. I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day.

Sept. 26 Hawk, Kelowna, B.C.

A Marine stationed in Afghanistan recently received a "Dear John" letter
from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:

Dear Ricky,
I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just
too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been
gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry.

Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.

Love, Becky

The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any snapshots
they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts,
cousins etc. In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the
other pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies. There
were 57 photos in that envelope....along with this
note:

Dear Becky,

I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who you are. Please take your
picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.

Take Care, Ricky

Sept. 24. annomouse

My husband is 69 years old and loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up." He looked around and could not see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice again, "Pick me up." He looked in the water and there floating on the top was a frog. My husband said, "Are you talkingto me?" The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up and kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen and will give you the most wonderful sexual pleasures that you have ever dreamed of." My husband looked at the frog for a short time and then reached over and picked it up carefully, placing it in his front breast pocket. Then the frog said, "What are you nuts, didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will give you sexual pleasures like you have never had." He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Naah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."

Sept. 22 -Dai Scott, Armstrong, B.C.
Joe was traveling through United States on vacation when, lo and behold, he
lost his wallet and all identification. Cutting his trip short, he attempts
to make his way home but is stopped by the Customs Agent at the Peace Arch
border.
"May I see your identification, please?" asks the agent.
"I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet," replies the guy.
"Sure, buddy, I hear that every day. No ID, no crossing the border", says
the agent.
"But I can prove that I'm an Canadian !" he exclaims. "I
have a picture of Brian Mulroney tattooed on one butt cheek and a picture of
Jean Chretien on the other".
"This I gotta see..." replies the agent.
With that, Joe drops his pants and bends over in front of the agent. "By
golly, you're right!" exclaims the agent. "Go on home to British Columbia".
"Thanks !" Joe says. "But how did you know I was from
B. C. ?"
The agent replies, "I recognized the picture of Gordon Campbell in the
middle".

(Feel free to change province and premier to the one of your choice )

Sept. 21 submitted by Parrot Island...Kelowna

A father watched his daughter playing in the garden.
He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl
was.
Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over
to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
" Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.
"They're mating," her father replied.
" What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked.
"That's a Daddy Longlegs." Her father answered.
" So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.
"No," her father replied. "Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."
The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot
and stomped them flat.
"Well, it might be OK in Ontario & British Columbia" she
said "BUT we're not having any of that crap in our garden."

Sept. 20th. Darlene, Kelowna, B.C.

HOW WELL DOES COLD WATER CLEAN???

A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural
area of the state. After spending the night, his grandfather prepared breakfast
for him consisting of eggs and bacon. He noticed a film-like substance on his
plate, so he questioned his grandfather, "Are these plates clean?" His
grandfather replied, "Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go on
and finish your meal."

That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch,
he noticed tiny specks around the edge of his plate, and a substance that
looked like dried egg yokes. So he asked again, " Are you sure these plates are
clean?" Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather says,"I told you
before, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't ask me
about it anymore!"

Later that afternoon, as he was on his way out to get the paper, the dog
started to growl and wouldn't let him pass. "Grandfather, your dog won't let me
out." Without diverting his attention from the exciting football game his
grandfather shouted "Coldwater, move!!!!!

Sept. 19 ... Bob Stirling, Prince George

A NUN WAS SITTING AT THE AIRPORT, WAITING ON HER FLIGHT TO CHICAGO. SHE LOOKED OVER IN THE CORNER AND SAW ONE OF THOSE WEIGHT MACHINES THAT TELLS YOUR FORTUNE, AND THOUGHT TO HERSELF, "I'LL GIVE IT A TRY AND SEE WHAT IT TELLS ME."

SHE WENT OVER TO THE MACHINE, STEPPED UP ON THE SCALE AND PUT HER NICKEL IN, AND OUT CAME A CARD THAT READ, "YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS AND YOU ARE GOING TO CHICAGO."

THE NUN SAT BACK DOWN. SHE TOLD HERSELF THAT THE MACHINE PROBABLY GIVES THE SAME CARD TO EVERYONE. THE MORE SHE THOUGHT ABOUT IT, THE MORE CURIOUS SHE GOT, SO SHE DECIDED TO TRY IT AGAIN.

SHE WENT BACK TO THE MACHINE AND AGAIN PUT HER NICKEL IN, AND OUT CAME A CARD THAT READ, "YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, YOU ARE GOING TO CHICAGO AND YOU ARE GOING TO PLAY A FIDDLE."

THE NUN SAYS TO HERSELF, "I KNOW THAT IS WRONG, I HAVE NEVER PLAYED A MUSICAL INSTRUMENT A DAY IN MY LIFE."

SHE SAT BACK DOWN. FROM OUT OF NOWHERE A COWBOY CAME OVER AND SAT DOWN, PUTTING HIS FIDDLE CASE IN THE SEAT BETWEEN THEM. WITHOUT THINKING, SHE OPENED THE COWBOY'S CASE, TOOK OUT THE FIDDLE, AND STARTED PLAYING BEAUTIFUL MUSIC.

SURPRISED AT WHAT SHE HAD DONE, SHE LOOKED OVER AT THE MACHINE, THINKING, "THIS IS INCREDIBLE, I'VE GOT TO TRY THIS AGAIN."

BACK TO THE MACHINE SHE WENT, PUT IN ANOTHER NICKEL, AND ANOTHER CARD CAME OUT. IT READ, "YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, YOU ARE GOING TO CHICAGO AND YOU ARE GOING TO BREAK WIND."

NOW SHE KNOWS THE MACHINE IS WRONG, AS SHE THOUGHT TO HERSELF, "I'VE NEVER BROKEN WIND IN PUBLIC A SINGLE TIME IN MY LIFE." BUT GETTING DOWN OFF THE MACHINE SHE SLIPPED, AND AS SHE WAS STRAINING TO KEEP HERSELF FROM FALLING IN THE FLOOR, SHE BROKE WIND.

ABSOLUTELY STUNNED, SHE SAT BACK DOWN AND LOOKED AT THE MACHINE. SHE SAID TO HERSELF, "THIS IS TRULY REMARKABLE! I HAVE GOT TO TRY THIS AGAIN."

SHE WENT BACK TO THE MACHINE, PUT IN ANOTHER NICKEL, AND ANOTHER CARD CAME OUT. IT READ, "YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, YOU HAVE FIDDLED AND FARTED AROUND AND MISSED YOUR FLIGHT TO CHICAGO."

Sept. 18th...

Old, but still funny

These great questions and answers are from the days when the "Hollywood Squares" game show responses were spontaneous and clever.

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think he's attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are: "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head, he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is their anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting "Poo! Poo! Poo!" what does this mean?
A. George Gobel: Cattle crossing.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Sept. 17th. Harry, Kelowna, B.C.

Subject: Like it is!

This was BILL GATES' SPEECH TO MT. WHITNEY HIGH SCHOOL in Visalia, California.

Love him or hate him, he sure hits the nail on the head with this!

To anyone with kids of any age, here's some advice. Bill Gates recently gave a speech at a High School about 11 things they did not and will not learn in school. He talks about how feel-good, politically correct teachings created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this concept set them up for failure in the real world.

Rule 1: Life is not fair - - get used to it!

Rule 2: The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

Rule 3: You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.

Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.

Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping-they called it opportunity.

Rule 6: If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.

Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you are. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.

Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools they have abolished failing grades and
they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer.
This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF.
Do that on your own time.

Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up
working for one.

Sept. 16th. Uncle Bob...up North

The Pearly Gates 2
A man appears before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asks.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offers. "Once, on a trip to the Black Hills, out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker. I smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground, and told him, 'Leave her alone now or you'll answer to me.'"

St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?"

"Just a couple minutes ago."

Sept 15 Uncle Harry, Kelowna

This is a story about a couple who had been happily
married for
years. The only friction in their marriage was the
husband's habit of
farting loudly every morning when he awoke.
The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make
her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she
would plead with
him to stop ripping them off because it was making
her sick.

He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was
perfectly natural.
She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that
one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out!
Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the
turkey for
dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at
the bowl where she had
put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and
all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband
was sound asleep
and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled
back the elastic
waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of
turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his
usual trumpeting
which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the
sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.

The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on
the floor
laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture
About twenty minutes later, her husband came
downstairs in his
bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his
face.
She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.

He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you
have warned me
and I didn't listen to you."
What do you mean?" asked his wife.

Well, you always told me that one day I would end up
farting my guts
out, and today it finally happened.
But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two
fingers, I think I got most of them back in."

Sept. 14th according to Kevan VanHerd, Kelwna

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer
in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is
taht frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a
toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we
do not raed ervey lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe. ceehiro

Sept. 14th John Fitsgerald, Kamloops, B.C.

A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in
logic.

"Here is the situation," she said.

"A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river,
fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins
splashing and yelling for help.

His wife hears the commotion, knows he can't swim, and
runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the
bank?"

A little girl raised her hand and asked, "To draw out all
his savings?"

Sept. 12th. annon....."somewhere out there"

WHY WOMEN ARE CRANKY

We start to "bud" in our blouses at 9 or 10 years old only
to find anything that comes in contact with those tender,
blooming buds hurts so bad it brings us to tears. Enter
the almighty, uncomfortable training bra contraption the
boys in school will snap until we have calluses on our backs.

Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens (or
sooner). Along
with those budding boobs, we now bloat, we cramp, we get the
hormone crankies, have to wear little mattresses between
our legs or insert tubular, packed cotton rods in places
we didn't even know we had.

Our next little rite of passage (premarital or not) is
having sex for the first time which is about as much fun as
having a ramrod push your uterus through your nostrils
(IF he did it right and didn't end up
with his little cart before his horse), leaving us to
wonder what all the fuss was about.

Then it's off to Motherhood where we learn to live on dry
crackers and
water for a few months so we don't spend the entire day
leaning over Brother John.

Of course, amazing creatures that we are (and we are), we
learn to live with the growing little angels inside us steadily
kicking our innards night and day making us wonder if we're
having Rosemary's Baby.

Our once flat bellies now look like we swallowed a
watermelon whole and we pee our pants every time we sneeze.
When the big moment arrives, the dam in our blessed Nether
Regions will invariably burst right in the middle of the mall and we'll
waddle with our big cartoon feet moaning in pain all the way to
the ER.
Then it's huff and puff and beg to die while the OB says,
"Please stop screaming, Mrs. Hearmeroar. Calm down and push.
Just one more (or 10 ) good push," warranting a strong,
well-deserved impulse to punch the jerk (and hubby) square in the nose
for making us cram a wiggling, mushroom-headed 10lb bowling
ball through a keyhole.

After that, it's time to raise those angels only to find
that when all
that "cute" wears off, the beautiful little darlings
morph into walking, jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing,
life-sucking little poop machines.

The teen years. Need I say more? The kids are almost
grown now and we
women hit our voracious sexual prime in our mid-30's to
early 40's while hubby had his somewhere around his 18th
Birthday (which
just happens to be the reason all that early hot-man sex
got you pregnant in the first place).

Now we hit the grand finale: "The Menopause," the
Grandmother of all
womanhood. It's either take the HRT and chance cancer in
those now seasoned "buds" or the aforementioned Nether
Regions, or sweat
like a hog in July, wash your sheets and pillowcases
daily and bite the head off anything that moves.

Now, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men
when men get
off so easy INCLUDING the icing on life's cake: Being
able to pee in the woods without soaking their socks...

Now I love being a woman but "Womanhood" would make the
Great Ghandi a tad crabby. Women are the "weaker sex?" Yeah, right.

Bite me.

-author unknown

Sept. 11 (not a good day to fly) following joke by Dian K, Kelowna
Good morning chuckle.......

A minister concluded that his church was getting into serious
financial troubles. Coincidentally, by chance, while checking the church
storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new bibles that had never
been opened and distributed.
So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the
congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for
$10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church.
Peter, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the
task.The reverend knew that Peter and Paul earned their living as
salesmen
and were likely capable of selling some bibles but he had serious
doubts about Louie.
Louie was just a little local farmer, who had always tended to keep to
himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment. Poor
little Louis stuttered very badly. But, not wanting to discourage poor
Louis,
the reverend decided to let him try anyway.
He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars
stacked with bibles and asked them to meet with him and report the
results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday...which they
did. Anxious to find out how successful they were, the reverend
immediately asked Peter, "Well, Peter, how did you make out selling our bibles
last week?" Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Peter replied,
"Father, using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here's the 200 dollars I collected on behalf of the church."
"Fine job, Peter!" The reverend said, vigorously shaking his hand.
"You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you."
Turning to Paul, he asked "And Paul, how many bibles did you manage to sell
for the church last week?"
Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied,
"Reverend, I am a professional salesman and was happy to give the
church the benefit of my sales expertise. Last week I sold 28 bibles on
behalf of the church, and here's 280 dollars I collected."
The reverend responded, "That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are
truly a professional salesman and the church is also indebted to you."
Apprehensively, the reverend turned to little Louie and said, "And
Louie, did you manage to sell any bibles last week?"
>Louie silently offered the reverend a large envelope. The reverend
opened it and counted the contents. "What is this?" the reverend
exclaimed. "Louie, there's 3200 dollars
in here! Are you suggesting
that you sold 320 bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week?
Louie just nodded.
That's impossible!" both Peter and Paul said in unison. "We are
professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many
bibles as we could."
"Yes, this does seem unlikely," the reverend agreed. "I think you'd
better explain how you managed to do accomplish this, Louie."
Louie shrugged. "I-I-I- re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for
sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered.
Impatiently, Peter interrupted. "For crying out loud, Louie, just tell
us what you said to them when they answered the door!"
"A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," Louis replied, "W-w-w-w-would
y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible
f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-you
j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read
it
t-to
y-y-you?"

Sept 10th - Bob "up north"...a little resquet

An older lady was somewhat lonely, and decided that she needed a pet to keep her company. So off to the pet shop she went. Forlornly, she searched. Nothing seemed to catch her interest, except this one ugly frog. As she walked by the barrel he was in, he looked up and winked at her! He whispered, "I'm lonely too, buy me and you won't be sorry." The old lady figured, what the heck, as she hadn't found anything else. So, she bought the frog and went to her car.

Driving down the road the frog whispered to her, "Kiss me, you won't be sorry." So, the old lady figured what the heck, and kissed the frog.Immediately the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous, sexy, handsome,young prince. Then the prince kissed her back, and you know what the old lady turned into?
>
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Come on, guess........
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You're going to like this......
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What did she turn into?........
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The first motel she could find. (She's old, not dead)

Live each day as if it is the first day of your honeymoon and the last day of your vacation!

Sept. 9th. Something to think about from Bob "up north"

Subject: Is it a Two Way Mirror?

Do you know how to determine if a mirror is 2-way or not? This is not to intended to scare you, but to make you aware.
A policewoman who travels all over the US and gives seminars and techniques for businesswomen passed this on:
When we visit toilets, bathrooms, hotel rooms, changing rooms, etc., how many of you know for sure that the seemingly ordinary mirror
hanging on the wall is a real mirror, or actually a 2-way mirror? i.e. they can see you, but you can't see them.
There have been many cases of people installing 2-way mirrors in female changing rooms. It is very difficult to positively identify the surface by
just looking at it.
So, how do we determine any amount of certainty what type of mirror we are looking at?
Just conduct this simple test: Place the tip of your FINGERNAIL against the reflective surface and if there is a GAP between your fingernail and the image of the nail, then it is a GENUINE mirror.
However, if your fingernail DIRECTLY TOUCHES the image of your nail, then BEWARE, FOR IT IS A 2-WAY MIRROR!
"No Space, Leave the Place".
So remember, every time you see a mirror, do the "fingernail test."
It doesn't cost you anything. It is simple to do, and it might save you from "getting visually raped. Remember: "No Space, Leave the Place".
Ladies: Share this with your girlfriends, sisters, daughters, etc.
Men: Share this with your wives, daughters, daughters-in law, mothers, girlfriends and/or friends.
Better safe than sorry!

Sept. 8th. from Diane K., Kelowna

One day a Florist goes to the Barber for a haircut.

After the cut, he grabs for his wallet

and the Barber says " I am sorry, I cannot

accept money from you; I am doing Community Service."

The Florist is happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the Barber goes to

open his shop, there is a Thank you card and a dozen

roses waiting at his door.

That day a Baker goes for a haircut and as he reaches

for his wallet to pay the Barber, the Barber replies " I

am sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing

Community Service.The Baker is happy and leaves

the shop.

The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop,

there is a Th
ank You card and a dozen freshly baked

loaves waiting at his door.

The next day an East Indian goes for a haircut and as he

grabs for his wallet, the Barber says " I am sorry, I cannot

accept money from you, I am doing Community Service."

The East Indian is, of course, very happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the Barber goes to open his

shop... Guess what he finds there????

A dozen East Indians waiting for free haircuts!!

Sept 7th...Dai Scott, Armstrong, B.C.

Eighty percent of Kindergartners solved
this riddle, but only 5% of Stanford
graduates figured it out!

Can you answer the following question?

1. The word has seven letters...
2. Preceded God...
3. Greater than God...
4. More Evil than the devil...
5. All poor people have it...
6. Wealthy people need it...
7. If you eat it, you will die!
Did you figure it out?
Try hard before looking at the
answers Did you get it yet??
...Give up?

Brace yourself for the answer....

The Answer is: NOTHING!
NOTHING has 7 letters
NOTHING preceded God
NOTHING is greater than God
NOTHING is more Evil than the devil
All poor people have NOTHING
Wealthy people need NOTHING
If you eat NOTHING, you will die

Don't feel bad - I have to admit that
I couldn't solve it either and
had to look at the answer.

Sept. 6th. Bob "up north"

A couple finds themselves at the marriage councilor after 20 years of
marriage. The councilor begins the session with explaining how as a loving
couple you should know every intimate detail about each other, such as
their favorite colour, favorite tv show, favorite sport and so on.

He turns to the husband and asks "what is your wife's favorite flower?"
The husband pauses for a moment, then replies
" why Robin Hood all-purpose I believe".

The rest of the session did not go very well.

Sept. 5th...

Sid and Al were sitting in a Mexican restaurant. "Sid," asked Al, "are there
any Jews in Mexico?"
I don't know," Sid replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?" When the waiter
came by, Al asked him, "Are there any Mexican Jews?" "I don't know
senor, let me ask," the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen. He
returned in a few minutes and said, "No, sir. No Mexican Jews."
"Are you sure?" Al asked. "I will check again, senor." the waiter replied
and went back to the kitchen. While he was still gone, Sid said, "I
cann't believe there are no Jews in Mexico. Our people are scattered
everywhere."
When the waiter returned he said, "Senor, no Mexican Jews." "Are you
really sure?" Al asked again. "I cannot believe there are no "Mexican Jews."
"Senor, I ask everyone," the waiter replied exasperated. "We have
orange Jews, prune Jews, tomato Jews and grape Jews, but no one ever hear
of Mexican Jews!"

Sept. 2 Dai - Armstrong

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four
young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he
observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with
eating. You've even named your daughter Candy".

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money.
Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny".

He turns to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol.
This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy".

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, gets up, takes her
little boy by the hand and whispers. "Come on, Dick, we're leaving.

Sept. 1 from Bob "up north"

Concentrate

Proof that the same side of our brain cannot do 2 different things at
once...

While sitting at your desk make clockwise circles with our
right foot.

While doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand.

Your foot will change direction.

Aug. 31...some more from Kevan VanHerd, Kelowna

The difference between Cats and Dogs...

Buy a dog a toy and it will play with it forever. Buy a cat a present and it will play with the wrapper for 10 minutes.

Although cats are rather delicate creatures, and they are subject to a good many ailments, I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.

Dogs and cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake up. Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner.

Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.

Dogs shed, cats shred.

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult?

I hope to be the kind of person my dog thinks I am.

Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.

Really! Have a great weekend!

A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"

"No," says the psychic. "Next semester in her biology class."

----------------------

Aug. 29th....Kevan VanHerd, Kelowna
This list is from the USA but Canada follows VERY closely and may have a few extra -- our gas tax for instance is a lot more than the USA pay.
Kevan

Subject: Taxes:

Accounts Receivable Tax
Building Permit Tax
Capital Gains Tax
CDL license Tax
Cigarette Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Court Fines (indirect taxes)
Dog License Tax
Federal Income Tax
Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA)
Fishing License Tax
Food License Tax
Fuel permit tax
Gasoline Tax (42 cents per gallon)
Hunting License Tax
Inheritance Tax
Interest expense (tax on the money)
Inventory tax
IRS Interest Charges (tax on top of tax)
IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax)
Liquor Tax
Local Income Tax
Luxury Taxes
Marriage License Tax
Medicare Tax
Property Tax
Real Estate Tax
Septic Permit Tax
Service charge taxes
Social Security Tax
Road usage taxes (Truckers)
Sales Taxes
Recreational Vehicle Tax
Road Toll Booth Taxes
School Tax
State Income Tax
State Unemployment Tax (SUTA)
Telephone federal excise tax
Telephone federal universal service fee tax
Telephone federal, state and local surcharge taxes
Telephone minimum usage surcharge tax
Telephone recurring and non-recurring charges tax
Telephone state and local tax
Telephone usage charge tax
Toll Bridge Taxes
Toll Tunnel Taxes
Traffic Fines (indirect taxation)
Trailer registration tax
Utility Taxes
Vehicle License Registration Tax
Vehicle Sales Tax
Watercraft registration Tax
Well Permit Tax
Workers Compensation Tax

COMMENTS: Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago and our nation
was the most prosperous in the world, had absolutely no national debt, had
the largest middle class in the world and Mom stayed home to raise the
kids. What do you think changed?

Aug. 28...a couple of stories from Bob "up north"
Story 1
A married couple are driving along a highway doing 60 mph with the wife
behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks over at her and says "Honey, I
know we have been married for 20 years but I want a divorce." The wife says
nothing but slowly increases speed to 70 mph. He then says "I don't
want you to try to talk me out of it because I've been having an affair
with your best friend and she's a better lover than you are." Again the
wife stays quiet but speeds up as her anger increases. "I want the house"
he insists, pressing his luck. Again the wife speeds up to 80 mph. He
added "I want the car too." But she just drives faster and faster. By now
she is up to 90 mph. "All right" he says "I want the bank accounts and all
the credit cards too." The wife slowly starts to veer towards a bridge
overpass piling. This makes him a bit nervous so he says "Isn't there
anything you want?" The wife answers "No, I've got everything I need." "Oh, really" he says "so what have you got?" Right before they slam into the wall at 100 mph, the wife turns to him, smiles and says "The airbag."

Aug 27 - Kind of fits....

Aug. 26
Because of "the firestorm" our cable was out for a few days.
Look at www.castinet.com to see pic's

A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural
area of the state. After spending the night, his grandfather prepared breakfast
for him consisting of eggs and bacon. He noticed a film-like substance on his
plate, so he questioned his grandfather, "Are these plates clean?" His
grandfather replied, "Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go on
and finish your meal."

That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch,
he noticed tiny specks around the edge of his plate, and a substance that
looked like dried egg yokes. So he asked again, " Are you sure these plates are
clean?" Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather says,"I told you
before, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't ask me
about it anymore!"

Later that afternoon, as he was on his way out to get the paper, the dog
started to growl and wouldn't let him pass. "Grandfather, your dog won't let me
out." Without diverting his attention from the exciting football game his
grandfather shouted "Coldwater, move!!!!!

AUG 22 Tom Campbell, Edmonton

In case you wanted to enrich your vocabulary....

The Washington Post's Style Invitational once again asked readers
to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding,
subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are this year's winners:

1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts
until you realize it was your money to start with.

2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops
bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately,
shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

4. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose
of getting laid.

5. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the
subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the
person who doesn't get it.

8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running
late.

9. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra
credit.)

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all
these bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's
like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day
consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter
when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after
you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into
your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub
in the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:

18. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an a..hole.

_________________________________________________________________
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Aug. 21

A tourist was admiring the necklace worn by a local Indian.

"What is it made of?" she asked.

"Alligator's teeth," the Indian replied.

"I suppose," she said patronizingly, "that they mean as much to you as pearls do to us."

"Oh no," he objected. "Anybody can open an oyster."

Aug 19 - Kevan VanHerd...Kelowna

An old farmer in Alabama had owned a large farm for several years. He had a
large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts,
basketball court, etc. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for
swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't
been there for a while, and look it over. As he neared the pond, he heard
voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a
bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end
of the pond. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until
you leave!"

The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim
naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

"I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral: Old age and cunning will triumph over youth and enthusiasm every time.

Reason for investigation.
-----------------------------------
A man owned a small farm in South Georgia.
The Wage and Hour Department claimed he
was not paying proper wages to his help and
sent an social security agent to interview him.

"You just give me a list of your employees and
tell me how much you pay them."

"All right," said the farmer. "I have a hired man.
Been with me for three years. I pay him $400 a
week, plus room and board. I have a cook. She's
been here six months. She gets $300 a week plus
room and board."

"Anybody else?" asked the agent as he scribbled
on a note pad.

"Yeah," the farmer said. "There's a half-wit here.
Works about eighteen hours a day. I pay him ten
dollars a week and give him chewing tobacco."

"Aha!" the agent roared. "I want to talk to that half-wit!"

"You're talkin' to him now," said the farmer.

Aug 14...Kevan VanHerd - Kelowna

Erational Crime News:

(It's funny, AND informative... well ok.. really its just funny!)

Today we give you some short headline stories. Feel free to laugh at mankind's stupidity:

*A burglar who was watching his four-year-old daughter broke into a Newark, New Jersey, home, stole several items, and successfully got
away. Unfortunately for him, he left one small clue...his four-year-old
daughter.*

*A man was arrested in the parking lot of the Old Kent Bank in Grand Haven, Michigan, shortly after he had robbed the place. Apparently, after the man robbed the bank, he informed the teller that he was visually impaired and needed assistance in exiting the bank. Of course he didn't see the teller push the silent alarm button before slowly leading the man out the front door and into an awaiting police car.*

*Leonardo's Pizza in Akron, Ohio narrowly escaped being robbed because the gunman slipped on a patch of grease from a pizza that had been dropped on the floor earlier. He hit the floor and knocked himself unconscious.*

Make a friend smile, forward this on to your friends and family!

Aug. 13 - Terry - Kelowna

ARE BLONDES REALLY SMART?

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.
While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves

MORE CHUCKLES
ARE BLONDES REALLY SMART?
PLEASE DIVERT YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES SOUTH
VIAGRA RESEARCH
The Mayonaisse Jar and the Beer
Thoughts of 1st graders
The Miser who wanted to be buried with all of his money
An Engineer's Analysis of Santa Claus
Diary of a New resident to the Okanagan
How Old is Grandma?

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